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Dear Dad, No “mon” (money), no fun. Your Son
Dear Son, So sad, too bad. Your Dad.
I don’t know why I thought it was
funny at the time, but I had a wooden
sign with that quote posted in my
dorm room as a young college
student. It was certainly true, though;
I had no money and my dad, as a
pastor had very little to provide for
me. Isn’t that often the case? Our
children call, text, email home when
they need something from us. That’s
as it should be; after all, we brought
them into this world. I wonder if there
is more we could provide for our
children even when they’re adults;
perhaps something more valuable
than money.
I would like to suggest a Dear Parent
letter for parents and their adult
children. We know that as children,
kids write to Santa Claus and wait for
the Tooth Fairy as means of believing
in the provision and care of others.
We can still care for our children
when they are adults. Parents, we can
create opportunities for relational
redemption if we would allow our
adult children to write us about
unfulfilled wishes and dreams from
their childhood.
Dear parent, you and I both know
that we were far from perfect as
parents. Maybe we learned
something as we had more kids, but
we just didn’t know what we were
doing as a whole. Even parents with
dedicated and purposeful hearts miss
things and do things towards our
children that have left them with
unfulfilled wishes and dreams about
our relationships with them.
Many of the clients I work with deal
with varied unfulfilled outcomes from
childhood. Most are very reluctant to
discuss and acknowledge their
thoughts and feelings about their
parents. For some it’s because
they’re afraid I’m going to “shrink
their head.” You may laugh. There
have been some people whose
heads I’d like to shrink literally, and
often it has been due to their
hardheaded parents! For others they
just don’t want to disrespect their
parents or blame them for things
with which they struggle today. I’ve
said more than once, “That’s the
problem with having loving parents;
it’s hard to give them their due for
their imperfect parenting.” |
Parent, you can give your son or
daughter permission to talk about
their childhood “issues”. I’m thinking
about Jesus’ words, “Come unto me.”
You can say to your adult child,
“Come to me, I want to know your
thoughts and feelings about our
relationship”. What a wonderful gift
that would be, to ask our adult
children to tell us how we have let
them down and left them unfulfilled.
It could initially be in the form of a
Dear Parent letter, and then a
discussion after you read and pray
over their letter. You don’t
have to agree with everything they
communicate, just listen and care.
If you have adult children that you
are worried about, this is a great
place to start.
The miraculous thing about the gift
of Emmanuel was not that we had to
come to Christ, but that He came to
be with us. I challenge you parent,
be the love of Christ to your adult
children. Be a man or woman of God
and ask your children for a Dear
Parent letter and let this be a
new year of relational growth
between you and your
grown children.
Here are some guiding suggestions:
“Son/ Daughter please tell me
honestly what it was like
growing up with me as your
parent. I want to know the good
and bad. I will listen without any
punitive intentions.”
“Tell me what you wish I had
done differently; the things you
wish you could change about
our parent-child relationship.”
“Tell me the things I could have
done less of and more of that
would have better helped you
as a child.”
“Tell me how you feel I have
failed you or let you down.”
“Tell me how I can love you
better today.”
I’ll say “you’re welcome” ahead of
time for the relational healing that
will take place. The action alone on
your part will likely be the best gift
they have ever been
given. If things get
complicated then
seek out a good
Christian therapist
who can help you talk
with your adult child
and listen well. If I can
help, please call at 301-620-8700
ext #5. You can also read my blog at
www.christianpsychologisttalk.com.
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What was a time as
an adult that I had
a meaningful
conversation with
my parents about
our relationship?
That is the question
that began this article. I was stumped,
I have a great relationship with my
parents, but I could not think about
a single earth-shattering conversation
we have had since I’ve been an adult.
What I came to realize was not that
we haven’t had those conversations,
rather we have them so often they
seem normal. When I figured that
out I realized we’ve been having
those conversations ever since I
was a little kid.
From as far back as I can remember
my parents understood that if they
wanted to have a good relationship
with me, communication was key.
So they worked hard to set that
example. If I did something that made
them upset, or sad, happy or proud,
they let me know. They talked to me
about their feelings, and let me know
what I did to make them feel that
way. In addition they offered the
invitation to talk to them again, and
again and again. Sure there were
times I didn’t want to talk...a lot of
times I did not want to talk. But in the
end I knew that their attention and
understanding were there. I knew that
they would always listen, and at least
attempt to understand what I was
feeling. In the end that invitation has
continued to adulthood and now my
parents are also some of my best
friends. We talk about the good, the
bad and the ugly.
Their good example has led to much
more than just our good relationship:
it has also led to how I parent my
adolescent boy and young girls. It is
hard work, and I don’t do it perfectly,
but I try to focus primarily on two
things when I interact with my kids.
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Let me pass them onto you:
First, meet your kids where they are.
We can’t always wait for our kids to
come to us. We have to go to them.
Plan family times together to talk,
play or read. Plan one on one times
with each one. Talk over what they
are doing, thinking and feeling, and
tell them what that makes you want
to do, think and feel. If you have
young kids name their emotions for
them. Validate their feelings before
addressing actions and behaviors.
If you have adolescents, be patient.
Sometimes trying to talk to an
adolescent can feel about as effective
as banging your head against a
wall. Believe me, they notice and
appreciate the effort, even if they
aren’t ready to talk.
Second, be ready for when they ask
to talk.
Make the “Come unto me”
invitation over and over again. When
they want to talk they will, so make
sure they feel welcome. Make time
when they are ready, and if you can’t
talk right away plan some time ASAP.
When they do talk, let them know
that you heard them, even if what
they said upsets you. Remember that
they came to you, thank them for
that, and invite them back again.
I realize that I am extraordinarily
blessed to have the adult friendship
with my parents that I have. The norm
between parents and children today
seems to be an uneasy bond where
joys and frustrations are often left
unsaid. Being a parent myself has
made me realize just how much
work it takes to create good
communication. Don’t wait to build
that foundation of communication
that helps create a good relationship.
It is never too early to start. |
Perhaps you read the
articles in this issue
and they have
touched your heart.
You’d like to honor
or remember your
parents or children in
a more tangible way. Allow me to
recommend some options.
Write to us and tell us how the
issue has touched you and to what
action it may be guiding you. We’d
love to hear from you.
With Mother’s Day and Father’s
Day not far away, you could make
a financial contribution to New
Hope Foundation, the non-profit
arm of Vital Sources. In doing so,
you will affirm your commitment
of hope in your own relationships.
At the same time you will provide
for others, in our community, the
means of addressing and healing
their own life relationship
challenges.
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Some faith traditions honor a
Children’s Sunday or events that
provide family day emphasis. What
a great time to give verbal gifts of
joy, encouragement, and reflection
on the value of each individual at
a family gathering.
If we can help you
with any of these ideas
for action, please contact
margie@vitalsources.org |
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