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Introduction
Every person has a life story.
I find that, generally speaking, women’s
lives correspond well to the book analogy.
Early on, the chapters of career building
and/or having a family may follow a
predictable course, driven largely by
physical realities and personal choices.
Some chapters may correspond directly
to the life stages and activities of her
children in their development. However,
the focus here is the life story of a woman
in her midlife chapter, and the unique
process that many women have to
negotiate.
Her Setting
In a youth obsessed culture, it is an
anomaly for a woman to enter midlife with
abundant grace and anticipation. Her early
formation and subsequent life experiences
already taught her how to think about her
life in all its facets. At this point in time,
however, she faces some daunting
challenges she has only read about or been
told of by a seasoned counterpart.
Developmentally, all midlife systems within
a woman struggle to capture equilibrium.
As many experience, menopause is often
turbulent, confusing, and complex.
Physical issues clash with her mental,
emotional, and spiritual self understanding.
The unavoidable reality of a clock that
cannot be turned back has its own anguish
and anxiety. Many women have little or no
emotional support when they turn the
page and physically accommodate the end
of an era. She feels quite alone in her
world and highly misunderstood. Jokes
about menopause and aging, looking at
the effects of time in the mirror, and feeling
the uncertainty about the future all mock
what she cannot control. They converge
upon what just a chapter or two ago
seemed so far away.
Her Story Line
The possibilities are endless. She may
be the caretaker of aging parents or a
terminally ill spouse. Perhaps marital
stress minimizes what peace she can find
at home. Her nest is empty and she is
trying to fill the silence, but hasn’t figured
that out yet. Maybe she will re-enter the
work place, though it seems daunting to do
so. She may have divorced recently, or her
husband has died, or she herself is ill. Her
relationships with adult children may not
be all she wishes they were, and she
struggles to orient herself to her role in
their lives now. Early life events that she did
not process may arise and evoke insecurity,
alienation and detachment. Financial
issues worry her and she visualizes growing
old alone and destitute. Normal activities
may suddenly feel unfamiliar and her usual
social confidence may feel strange and
artificial.
The difficult reality is that several of
these scenarios usually happen in her life
simultaneously. Because of all that is
required of her, a woman may feel the
frustration of feeling lost in the plot of her
own story line. She recognizes that she
has no time to care for herself, find an
enriching spiritual community or fulfill
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her
longing to belong in a meaningful,
supportive friendship. The physical toll
truly leaves her exhausted and often
without internal resources.
Her Outcome
It can be easy for an uninformed on-looker
to observe a mid-life woman and make
inaccurate assumptions. Many women have
"just enough" internal strengths to present
an intact exterior. But to underestimate the
difficulties of her internal reality is to do
her a great disservice. Also, women with
complicated life issues who live without
meaningful relational support often feel
judged, exposed, and alienated.
It is very important for a woman to make
sense of her current life changes and to
integrate them into a new sense of
personal meaning. Therapy at this time
can be richer and deeper since physical
and emotional realities
are impossible to
ignore. Often this
process involves
the grieving of
losses; of what is
past and never
will be again.
Reflection clarifies which dreams about her
future she wants to lay down, keep alive,
or kindle anew. It helps her proactively
release leftover feelings of regret, guilt, or
bitterness that accumulated over the years.
It also prepares her for writing ideas for
the subsequent chapters of a second half
of life adventure. Most of all, it connects
her to her own reality and sense of self that
may have been clouded for years. Greater
clarity opens the way for more internal
spiritual strength, preparing her for a more
satisfying resolution throughout the rest of
her life story.
Conclusion
When a woman faces her aging process
honestly and with a growing spiritual
component, she learns to manage
depression, anguish and hopelessness.
A revived sense of humor, finding fun
again, and seeing her interests and
purpose unfold breathes new life into her.
Finding continued personal meaning,
attaching to a new life focus, and building
upon re-assessed mental, emotional and
physical health provides opportunities for
her to live in the next chapter with grace
and anticipation.
A final observation invites those in
relationship with a woman in this chapter
of life to draw nearer; to take the risk to
stay with her in these tumultuous pages.
If you are that family member or friend
who makes this commitment, you provide
the supportive connection that helps keep
her grounded in reality and hopefulness.
Your presence and support helps her shore
up her own strength and build genuine
confidence again. While you are not
responsible for her actions and reactions,
nor omniscient to control any outcomes,
your constancy and attempt to understand
her reassures her that she will not be alone
in this chapter.
NOTE: Margie Brubaker is available to
churches and women's groups for talks,
seminars, workshops and retreats
about this important subject.
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Remember the
sisters Mary and
Martha in the New
Testament? They
were good friends
with Jesus and His
disciples. Jesus
cried with them
about the death of
their brother. The women were very
comfortable with Jesus; one said, "What
took you so long? Our brother would not
have died if you had come sooner
(paraphrased)." Mary and Martha were
counting that day, on the peace and
provision of Christ's love; that's why it was
unsettling for them when Jesus was late.
Mary and Martha personalities play a huge
role in the church even today; admittedly it
has been Mary and Martha personalities by
whose talents and abilities much of the
modern church has been built. The relative
nurturing and organizing skills, so useful to
church ministry, come from the natural
personalities of these types of women.
What often goes unnoticed, though, is the
lack of liberty (physical, social or spiritual)
actually experienced by Mary and Martha
personalities. As we all do, these
personalities often err on what they do
best; the error is not in the application of
what they provide, but in what is not
provided for them when they do too much
nurturing and organizing.
Mary's as nurturing pleasers and Martha's
as organizing doers often try to purchase
or earn their acceptance through the gifts
they offer. Love is not something we
purchase and grace is not earned by our
efforts. Like Sarah with Abraham, we
can’t experience the peace and provision
of Christ's love when we are doing for
our self.
Mary personalities need to know they are
valued even if they haven't purchased that
through acts of
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pleasing and giving
service. Mary personalities have been
taught that they must provide some
service pleasing to others in order to be
valued. That's why so many moms have a
hard time when the nest is empty; they
can't let go, because they're losing their
sense of value.
Martha personalities need to be welcomed
and accepted even if they don't "do"
something. Martha personalities have
learned that they must do more than
others just to be wanted. That's why so
many women have a problem when they
don't have something to organize or
control. As the song says, "It's a hard habit
to break".
I wonder what we can do in our churches
so that Mary knows she's valued as a
daughter of God, and Martha knows she
can just sit at Jesus' feet. Pastors and
leaders, you can be the embodiment of
Jesus' care when you show up just at the
right time. Just when Mary or Martha is
about to launch off into another round of
earning, you might say, empathically,
"Stop pleasing or doing and just be a
daughter of God."
If you are Mary or Martha, Jesus has more
for you than what you can provide for
yourself. He wants to show up for you,
when you stop trying to purchase or earn
his love and acceptance. It's a faith walk
to let Jesus and others get close to you
without trying to provide security for
yourself; and, you know that hasn't
worked anyway.
Pastors, Mary, Martha, call me if you’d like
to talk more 301-620-8700 ext #5. |
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Dr. Allen Lish, Psy.D.
Managing Partner of Vital Sources
 Allen received
his doctorate
in clinical
psychology
from
Wheaton
College. As
the son of a pastor, Allen has
lived in many places both in
the U.S. and abroad. Having
had a successful first career in
management he uses his
business experience as a
Partner and Executive Coach
here at Vital Sources. He has
co-authored and published
three articles and presented
papers specifically on the
topic of Church/Psychology
Collaboration. Allen feels a
called to work with men
either individually or in their
marriages; and has expertise
in child and adolescent
development.
Why did you leave your first
career and choose psychology
instead?
After reading a book by Larry
Crabb, I found that the
process within psychology
was a great way to help me
understand myself, which
soon led to a passion to help
others do the same.
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What are the biggest struggles
you see people having to face?
It's hard to live in this broken
world, so it's often hard for
people to accept their own
brokenness. We often look to
other things or people to help
alleviate our angst in this life.
I think everything else just
stems from that same
brokenness.
If you could tell our readers
anything, what would it be?
Similarly as above, if we
weren't broken we wouldn't
need a Savior; but we are
broken. Find a way to accept
that and then will come
(eventually) the peace and
motivation to live despite
brokenness.
What is something that most
people do not know about you
and probably would not
guess?
Most people can easily see
my "no non-sense" approach
to life. Only a few know that
I'm actually an emotionally
sensitive guy – I'm actually
proud of that sensitivity. A
good friend and mentor told
me once, "Never diminish or
under estimate the tears of a
man." Guys, the toughest guy
is the one with enough
strength to be sensitive to
those around them – just
check out Jesus.
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