Pausing to think about how to respond to her question, I realized there lurks a profound misunderstanding of both the concept and reality of encouragement.  Returning in the moment to answer her, I calmly reframed the idea.  The meaning of the word is the idea of putting courage into someone, “to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope; to hearten.”    Perhaps encouragement is the strongest thing we give someone at times.  Still, it seems difficult to do encouragement well and so we may abandon the attempt.  Perhaps a vague attempt at ‘pumping up’ somebody occurs, but it may truly feel or sound like fluff; an inauthentic expression, at best.   I once heard that form of encouragement referred to as “sloppy agape.”  “Agape,” is the Greek word for unconditional love and treating it in a sloppy manner may not send the message intended.  It could also be used to avoid, manipulate or even serve as a pretense for authentic caring.  In that state there is no clear rendering of appropriate comments of concern, admiration, or appreciation.

Some people seem to prefer to ‘exhort,’ or to call out something from someone, literally.  Another rendering of the word is:  “to give warnings or advice, make urgent appeals.”  Yes, that is strong, necessary and true but, exhortation can easily give way to tearing down or destroying someone’s sensibilities or relationship.  Minimizing someone for my gain or merely to ‘get it out,’ relieving my own need or piling on someone else my own expectation demonstrates selfish motives or a controlling attitude.  Exhortation as a spiritual gift is meant to be utilized carefully, and embedded in the love of Christ along with encouragement.  Exhorting in such a way tells the truth so that the receiver can hear it and truly learn from it if he chooses.  As opposed to the ‘fluff’ of encouragement, exhortation’s shadow side is one of ’bullying.’

The two words complement each other and are actually two sides of the same coin.  In their purest and best expressions, when they are working together, they accomplish worlds of benefit in the lives of people in relationship.  Different personalities may lean more towards one or the other.  The hope is that we not produce either fluff or bullying, but care well for others as each gift is expressed.

I hope the lady on the front row learned something that day; I know I did as I processed these ideas further.  In our daily lives, whether we encourage or exhort, we do well to build our relationships authentically in the love of Christ.

Just yesterday I found myself a wee bit hungry (an oddity for this time of year but it had been a little while since I’d eaten a meal).  I saw out of the corner of my eye a small tin of chocolates and almost without thought proceeded to pop not one, not two but three chocolates consecutively and with rapidity into my mouth.  They were delicious (“See’s” chocolates, some of my favorites).  Mindlessly licking my lips, I returned to the book I had been reading.

My wife called me to dinner just ten minutes later. Now, typically, when this happens I pop out of my chair and rush to the table anxious to eat the meal that has been prepared.  No surprise to you, I found myself fairly disinterested in the food being offered.  Instead, rather dutifully, I went to the table and sat but found myself feeling lackluster about the hearty soup, breads, crudités and cheeses set before me.  As my mother routinely warned me in my early years, I had “spoiled my appetite.”  I squelched my hunger.

Hunger, is a complex phenomenon, in part because it a multifaceted interweaving of many aspects of our person.  Biological psychologists, those in my field of study that focus on the physiological or bodily aspects of our being, would tell us that when I popped the chocolates into my mouth a series of neurochemical reactions ensued resulting in my experience of satiation or of feeling full.

Most scientists would argue that there are significant physiological components to our hunger or lack thereof.  So while many would say that this is a rather robust explanation of what happened to me that late afternoon, others would suggest that my experience of feeling isolated and alone also contributed significantly to my somewhat impulsive chocolate-bingeing behavior.  Thus the traditional relational aspects of psychology may also have played a significant role in my hunger pangs and behaviors.

In addition to being a complex neurochemical and psychological phenomenon, hunger is also a profound spiritual reality.  You probably already thought of Jesus’ words in the Gospel of Matthew, “blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness…theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  Jesus talked about our hunger for God and the importance of filling ourselves with Jesus, the bread from heaven, the true Bread of Life.  “He who comes to me will never go hungry and He who believes in me will never be thirsty. (John 6:38)

What I’d like to suggest in this short article is fairly simple, and while not at all rocket science, is perhaps more relevant and dare I say important for the average man or woman out there.  I would argue that hunger is a good thing.  In fact, so much so that I would suggest that there is goodness in allowing or even encouraging ourselves to be hungry. Why would we ever choose to let ourselves go hungry?  For if food is a good thing, and being well nourished and satisfied also a good, why might we do such a thing?

Now back to the story of my pre-meal, chocolate binge.  No surprise to anyone, I completely lost interest in the food before me, as delightful and appetizing as it was.  I had supplanted my desire for food with a chocolate fling.  May I suggest the obvious, in a culture that offers so many opportunities for satisfying our appetites, perhaps it is not wise to indulge the opportunity every time.  Why might this be?  As it is with food, so it is with God.  If I rid myself of my hunger with substances that lack nutrition, I lose my hunger. So if I fill myself with things other than God I will not feel my need for Him and will be less apt to feed on Him.

Have you ever put off eating a meal so that your hunger grows?  How did the meal ultimately taste to you?  Wonderful beyond description I would imagine.  So the heart that allows itself to grow in hunger feasts on God!

What might it be like to allow, even encourage yourself to grow in hunger?  To do so we open ourselves to God Himself.  This is the wisdom of fasting…we are in essence holding ourselves open (hungry) in order to be filled (satiated) by Him.  Because, as Fr. Reginald Martin suggests in his reflections on the Beatitudes, “only God is Immense enough to fill our Infinite Longing.”

It is not insignificant that Christ tells HHH His followers that He is going to prepare a place for us and that the pictures of this are often of a feast or of a BANQUET! We will one day feast infinitely on God Himself, our hunger shall be no more because we will be perfectly filled…UNTIL THEN, let us live as those who are waiting for the Banquet, holding ourselves open to receive and accepting that until that time comes we shall live in some want…longing for HIM who satisfies all.

The Vital Sources clinical team wants to acquaint you with who we are at this time in our practice. This issue presents us in a little different way. Together we have been thinking about important matters that come up in our work or that may be asked about therapy in our community. You, our readers, may experience curiosity about them as well. Get to know our hearts. We hope you find us human, approachable, and in relationship with our Creator, God. Listen in on a round table discussion involving all of our VS therapists.

Editor: What does Vital Sources offer?

Jim: We are a team of mental health specialists who live and work in our community. As a team we are able to offer a full spectrum of services for all ages. We also are able to go deeper in that we bring the richness of seven clinicians to all of our work. We are constantly learning with and from each other. Individual, couple, family and group are our therapy modalities along with a wide spectrum of assessment services. We strive to provide the highest quality in client care by networking with physicians, members of the clergy and other professionals.

Margie: I like to think that we give our best selves to our clients. Our own growth and healing, along with a deep calling from God to this work provides a place of connection and safety for our clients.

Aaron: I have just returned to VS after three years in sunny California. Despite the cooling fall temperatures, the climate of acceptance, caring and mutual esteem makes Frederick, Maryland seem even more warm and inviting. While I grew up and still have family out west, the shared awareness of and reliance on His continued presence in our work here also helps to make this for me feel very much like a homecoming.

Editor: So the team identifies itself as a Christian practice . . . tell me about that.

Jim: The work we do comes out of a lifelong commitment, and is absolutely sacred, meeting people in moments of pain, suffering, desperation, and deep longing.

Mary Eileen: Working in a Christian practice names and honors the foundation where I meet clients, wherever they may be on their spiritual journey. Clients have every right to expect that I am clinically trained and competent. Of equal importance is that I honor the heart of Christ in the therapy process.

Pam: It’s also acknowledging the healing power that Christ brings to our work. I’m an intern with VS from Loyola’s pastoral counseling program this year and love being in a place where I can be open about my faith as clients indicate their desire for spiritual conversations and growth.

Jeeyoung: Being trained in a secular psychological background I never had the chance to integrate psychology and faith until I came to VS. We need the theories, techniques, interventions and all, but when such knowledge is proclaimed through a spiritually tuned instrument, important ‘inner world’ things begin to happen. Here at VS I feel like I have been given the freedom to express the three way relationship I have with God and my clients.

Editor: This sounds pretty intense.

Matt: It is. We also need to make clear that we love serving folk from all faith traditions. Our roles are not pastors, biblical counselors or accountability partners, even though with some Christian clients some of those components exist. We are primarily clinical counselors and psychologists. It is not fair or ethical for any of us to adopt those other roles with those who do not follow Jesus or who have no interest in spiritual discussions. What else is really meaningful to me is that my clients, my work, and the entire office are enveloped in prayer, even by our friends in the community, like those who read our newsletter.

Jim: Well put, Matt. I think about how prayer strongly supports us in this challenge of doing therapy well. It is our spiritual protection and source of internal strength for every one of our therapists, as we sit with all our clients.

Jeeyoung: Change can’t happen without an inner connection and awareness between God and me. I pray and ask God to be present with me as the therapist and with my client.

Editor: So, how does ‘change’ happen for a client who is in therapy?

Jim: After years of practice I believe more strongly today that change happens in the context of a deep and understanding relationship. As men and women created in the image of God we are fundamentally made for relationship – with the eternal God and our earthly family. In our Creator’s image we find change and healing through relationship.

Mary-Eileen: I believe change can happen when there is a willingness to suspend judgment about ourselves in order to explore new and healthier perspectives. The process of change can be very slow for some and may move more swiftly for others. The client is always in charge of the pace of change; the therapist can be the hope for change even when the client isn’t convinced of it as a possibility.

Matt: I love what M.E. just said. Change really does only happen when we are open to new experiences in our lives. It is often not enough to simply try to move away from old ways of doing things. We need to be open to what new work God wants to do in us. Then things happen.

Jeeyoung: It’s as if God hears, aches and touches the psychologically wounded through the clinician’s ear and heart.

Margie: It looks like a desire for change and the formation of the therapeutic relationship go hand in hand.

Editor: It seems like both change and relationship issues could be very painful. How do you get through such suffering with people?

Matt: Suffering and pain are a part of life, part of what shapes us. I know I learn more about myself and how to rely on God during the tough times than I do in the easier ones. A professor once described it to me as being locked in a dark cellar. My inclination is normally to yell and fight and knock as hard and loud as I can, hoping someone will let me out. However, sometimes what we need to do is explore the darkness, find what we have hiding there and find an alternative way out.

Editor: What you’re saying then, is that you as a therapist have to confront your own areas of pain and suffering, is that right?

Margie: Yes, the pain and suffering I go through in my own life informs me how to be with my clients. It goes back to what Jim said earlier about our work being ‘life long’ and ‘sacred.’ The inner work I do in my life is crucial.

Pam: From experiencing and working through my own human brokenness, I become a deeper, stronger and healthier human being. Finding my way through the pain takes me to new, healthier life chapters.

Mary Eileen: My own inner work helps me since I need to just sit with my client, hold the pain and be with her as she needs to offload it. Containing it for her for a time; being with her without taking on the responsibility of taking it away from her.

Editor: How do you see yourselves as therapists? In other words how might you visualize your work in action? A metaphor, maybe?

Matt: I love hiking the Appalachian trail; it is filled with beautiful views, long monotonous stretches, hard uphill climbs and easy riverside strolls. Life is a lot like that, filled with pain and pleasure. Being a counselor is like being a traveling companion, especially through the tough times. Someone who can come alongside and offer encouragement, point out trail markings, and even help lighten the load at times.

Mary Eileen: I have an old lantern in my office as a symbol of my work: illumination, encounter, and encouragement. As therapy unfolds through the sacred encounter between my client and me, a life story is illuminated. Bringing light provides opportunity for choices and clarity.

Aaron: I remember my mother, an amazing cook, saying the mark of a good chef is not he who follows the recipe, but rather he who can improvise so as to make something delicious with only what’s currently in the cupboard. Therapy is like that in some ways. The ‘cookbook’ therapy approaches are rarely adequate for the complexity of real people in the real world. We don’t always have ample resources and often have to make do with what we’ve got. Lastly, what we like and don’t like, much like our sense of taste, may be quite different. So, where we start, what we do, how we proceed, and when we end very much depends on the person with whom I am working.

Margie: I like to think about conducting a symphony orchestra and helping my clients find their music by writing a new score and performing it with my direction until they can play it by themselves.

Jeeyoung: Jesus has a special place in His heart for the wounded, the socially rejected or isolated, people who are weak, weary and ill. I believe God works through me – through all of us here at VS – and he uses our eyes to see, our ears to listen, our hearts to feel, and our spirits to embrace and heal. We are a paintbrush and He is the Artist. Sometimes we even get to witness the masterpiece He has created or finished through us.

Editor: In closing, what do you hope for VS and our community?

Jim: We want to continue to be a community resource for generations to come and will work towards an ongoing standard of excellence. We’d like to be your family relationship experts. As Christian men and women who strive for a high quality in relationship and healthy personal functioning, we hope that we will serve you, your children and grandchildren as the need arises. In all, we hope you will sense the love of God through Jesus in our lives.

This article is republished from our fall 2010 newsletter.

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